Essence

My Essence... what is it?  When is it present?  When does it flourish?  To use "it" as a pronoun to describe my Essence seems mundane, disrespectful, colorless and shadowed.  My Essence is ANYTHING but a shadow. SHE is my highest self - my most beautiful, most giving, most connecting part of me.  The self I consciously aspire to be all the time.  She creates a world out of love, she lives in a world of purity and everything about her evolves from truth, HER truth... MY truth.  My Essence is living MY truth, living with my values in mind every moment of everyday - Forgiveness, Justice, Truth, Honesty, Nurture, Nature, Growth, Education, Balance, Challenge, Friendliness, Creativity, Respect, Cooperation, Efficiency, Grace, Positive Thought, Fitness, Health and Happiness.  These claimed values are just the beginning of my conscious unwrapping of my Essence.  SHE is gracefully screaming to be mindfully present in my life... I can feel her bursting at the seams of my heart intending to live the life I have come here to live.

the burning inside

I just want him to call me.  Not to rekindle any love (that only I thought was there) but I want to talk to him - make certain we can still hang out as friends or at least hang out in the same circles without any awkwardness.  But he hasn't called me back... and I don't know why.  THAT is the burning inside - the curiosity as to why he won't call me back, the sadness to think he doesn't want to call me back, the frustration of not  being able to call him again to better explain why I want to see him.  There is no love in this blog... or maybe the love is my own... the love I feel towards him, not as a boyfriend but as a friend - wanting to make the best of our experience and relationship.  He'll never know.  

At least I come away from this knowing I am a stronger, better, wiser woman for having dealt with this relationship the way I have.  I know I have it in me to work for a relationship I truly believe in... I know I can deal, gracefully, with rejection.  I know that my love for myself is greater than I imagined in times of loneliness and my soul's connection to this universe only gets stronger when presented with a challenge.

Unearthing the Love

This is me.  A single, attractive, smart, sport-loving, fun-loving, sincere, caring, easy-going, curious and adventurous 32 year-old woman.  I have been searching for love for the past 15 years.  Recently my boyfriend broke up with me... sooooooo once again I am searching for love, but this time around I have decided to look at life a little differently since my past patterns have been unsuccessful at attracting my holy grail - that man that will love me, want to grow with me and someday would like to get married and raise a family with me.

Instead of looking for love (what is it? lost?)  I am going to unearth it.  Because I believe that love,  is actually, all around... and the more I realize the small moments of love, unearthed, before my very eyes -  the more love I will attract and in turn the more love I will create.  It is the simple law of attraction (which we all know is not that simple - in theory maybe...)  

I went to a party tonight, many couples were there - some married, some engaged and others just dating... I felt lost and confused in moments of quiet - what do these girls have that I don't?  This way of thinking doesn't help me... it only hurts me - and it hurts alot.  So where can I unearth some love in this situation?  Love is in the hug my friend, Karen, text me when I sent her a message saying "I miss him."  The thing is I don't truly miss HIM- his person...  I miss the warm body lying next to me, I miss the arm around my shoulder, I miss smiling at him when he came home. 

 I am crying now because the hole this relationship left in my heart when it ended makes me feel empty and I am looking for ways to fill it lovingly.  If you know of loving ways to fill it please let me know.

This is me.  A 32 year-old, fun, attractive, smart woman who is scared to death she will never find that man who loves her and wants to grow with her - a man who will want to marry her and raise a loving family with her.